Writing

Fiction and Fan-fiction

AO3 profile (I'm shy about sharing this. My main wip is definitely a very unfinished first draft. I've already changed the whole thing around multiple times, and will continue to do so. I would appreciate some constructive criticism as long as it's worded nicely.)

Personal Essays and Non-fiction

Diary

Untangling Thoughts on Academia

I’ve been trying to untangle my thoughts on academia as somebody who just graduated from a top university. On some level I have very little experience with academia. I only have an undergraduate degree. I’ve only written an article once and it was rejected by the journal. I don’t have an ORCID. The only work I’ve ever written with any serious academic rigor was my bachelor’s dissertation. However, the undergraduate program I did was very theoretical and concerned with academic affairs instead of the practical skills we would need in our careers. Plus, I did it at a top level university cited as one of – if not the – best in the continent. So I have little experience with academia, but I do have some.

With what I did see of it, I hate it. I’m not an anti-intellectual. I believe in the pursuit of knowledge. I believe in intellectual curiosity. I don’t believe in the whole system of academia. I don’t believe in the academic “industry” if that makes sense. I believe that in the end, you don’t need to be in college to be intelligent and knowledgeable and curious. Read about the topics that interest you from reliable sources. Engage your mind so as not to lose it. I have to preface with this lest I sound like somebody who’s advocating that people shouldn’t get an education.

First of all, I feel like public universities in Brazil are sold to the public in a misleading way. What is college for? As I understand it, college has two main raison d’êtres: train students in the skills needed for their careers; and – maybe more importantly – contribute to global knowledge and study in a variety of fields. The truth is that public universities really only focus on the latter, to the detriment of the former. I actually don’t have a problem with that, in concept. They’re top universities, they should give back to society in the form of scientific study. Many students in many fields need to be moulded to understand the scientific process as undergrads to then go on to be top researchers and professors in their own right. I don’t mind that, in theory, but in practice the reason why most people do the entrance exams in the first place is to work in their chosen profession, not become a researcher. The narrative was and still is: work yourself to the bone studying for the exams so you can get in, then work yourself to the marrow for four years at college, and then you finally get your delayed gratification by getting a cushy well-paying job that requires your degree. But bachelor’s degrees don’t guarantee a successful career.

As I’m writing this I realize that actually I’m a bit more confused about my thoughts than I was when I started. I admire the idea of a socratic method of study where professors impart knowledge onto a small collection of students, where students learn about all areas of study and not just their chosen field. I like the romantic idea of university as a temple to knowledge and the college experience as being four years entirely dedicated to thought and reflection. So, there are two concepts of the university, like I said before: a trade school for professions that have slightly higher standards of education than other trade school professions; and, this platonic ideal of academia that can only be achieved in the painting “The school of Athens” or in dark academia pinterest boards. These two ideas are irreconcilable. I complained before that I wanted the former experience and was greeted with the latter, but that isn’t quite true. Many students expect the latter and are disappointed with the former. The problem is that universities try to offer both at the same time, while not committing fully to one. I’m still trying to organize the thoughts in my head about all this. I guess I’ll leave with the classic Socrates quote (paraphrased): “All I know is that I know nothing.”

I was looking for a job...

Everybody knows it’s awful to look for a job. It’s not news to anyone. Still, going through the experience is always hopeless, regardless of if you already knew it would be hard to begin with. I’m speaking as someone who won, who got the job, who doesn’t want to play for a while until this current contract is ending, and yet I know that for those who lose, who keep playing this perverse game out of necessity, it is much worse. What is there left to be said about job hunting that hasn’t already been said? Nothing, but I’m allowed to kvetch about the struggle as much as anybody else.

It went like this: I was unemployed, I applied for jobs I was qualified for, I filled out electronic forms with the information that’s already on my resumé, I sent my resumé in pdf format anyway, I received no answer from HR at the companies I was applying for, repeat ad nauseam. I finally got an interview, I perceived that I did well at the interview, I once again received no answer from HR. I finally received an automated message from HR one to two weeks after the interviewer said they would give feedback, I was rejected – supposedly in favor of a better candidate. I continued on jobhunting sites until I see the same job opening at the same company being posted again less than a week after I was rejected. There never was a better candidate in the first place.

But I was lucky; most of the time the prospective worker doesn’t get an interview at all. Their perfectly crafted resumé is thrown in the proverbial trash because it didn’t have the right keywords for the artificial intelligence to read.

It starts to feel like you’re a young average-looking straight man on a dating app, swiping yes on all prospective partners, even the ones you’re not attracted to, just to see who will match with you. And then when they do, they ghost you. It sounds like a forced metaphor, but truly, just as I see people complain about feeling unlovable in the climate of the dating market, there were many times in this process where I felt utterly and completely unemployable.

It wasn’t through fault of my own. HR was just playing games with me. After all, just like in a dating app where there are far more straight men than straight women, and the women learn to be choosy, there are clearly more unemployed people than there are companies hiring. The unemployment rate in Brazil right now is 6,5%, not very high, actually, all things considered. But when you’re in the lobby of an office with half a dozen other jobless people, you feel like you’re part of a huge mob of mindless zombies being fought off by interviewers. It’s dehumanizing to be treated like a failure by these companies, but it’s even worse to not be treated like anything at all, like you don’t exist.

Things I’ve Never Done at University

Recently, I graduated with my library science degree. I presented my dissertation and it was accepted. I’ve spent six long years finishing a four-year-long undergraduate degree, so I’ve spent a lot of time being a student. I still, in all my time in university, have never done a lot of normal student-life things that were advertised to me as perks of the school. Perhaps most of these things that I haven’t done are just evidence of my very antisocial nature, but I want to show other antisocial people going to university that you don’t necessarily have to do everything there is in university to do. When I repeated my fourth year of university two times, I kept hearing from seniors that this was good because four years wasn’t enough to really savor college. I always thought that was strange, because if that were the case then the courses would be longer, but the courses were for four years. I realize that they meant student life and not actually classes and lectures, but I think that’s strange as well. There’s nothing so magical and interesting about being a university student. Either way, I suppose even six years wasn’t enough to savor college, since I missed out on many student life moments.

Hazing Ritual: I skipped the hazing ritual. The school has rules that seniors can still haze new students but it has to be a very light and mild form of hazing, the freshman have to consent to it at a specific time or place, and the ritual is basically just face-paint. They paint your face with the initials of the college you passed at. It’s a bonding thing for the freshmen. I saw what time the hazing ritual was scheduled and I didn’t go, because I didn’t want strangers to put face-paint on me. Seniors asking freshmen to literally dance for them or entertain them like jesters is not uncommon, and freshmen subject themselves to this willingly. After the hazing, a fellow freshwoman asked me why I didn’t come. I said I didn’t want to embarrass myself. She said that it was okay because then I would get to embarrass my own kohais when I reached senpai status. That was crazy to me. I’m not a sadist, why would I want to humiliate other people in the first place?
College Party: I also have never gone to a college party. Scratch that, I did go to parties hosted by people I knew from college. I have never gone to a college rave, or whatever it’s called. It’s an open bar event where you pay to get in but it’s all-you-can-drink. And then techno music plays. I can’t stress to you how much I would hate this. I can only drink two beers before I get sleepy, the price of which would be less than the price of admission. I hate techno music, but even if it were music that I do like, I would still have an issue with how loud it would be. If I were to be a bit sleepy and lightly drunk, imagine everyone else there? I hate dealing with drunk people. I have left parties hosted by dear friends when those friends got too drunk and annoying. Then there’s the whole mating ritual aspect of nightclubs. I already had a partner when I got into college, so I don’t know why I would go to a place made for attracting a sexual partner if my intention weren’t to do so.
Swimming Pool: There was also sports equipment on campus, including a swimming pool. I have also never gone. I thought about going many times, to exercise or to relax. But to get in I would have to schedule a medical exam just to make sure I didn’t have infectious foot fungus so they would allow me in. I didn’t have foot fungus, I just never had the time to schedule the exam. And nobody would tell me how to go about scheduling that exam. Plus, after school I was always too tired to swim anyway. I also have an aversion to post-pool shower rooms.
School Elections: I have never voted in a school election. The first election that happened, I intended to vote. I read through the pamphlets of all the parties and was indecisive about choosing one. Then I was stopped by a spokesperson of one party that said “we want to take this activism outside the gates of school campus and to the rest of the world.” Why? I didn’t get it. It was a school party in a school election. If this was about the real world and not college then they wouldn’t be running, right? I thought his speech was so stupid that I abstained from voting. The same year there was another election, and I didn’t understand because there had just been an election previously. Another spokesperson for another party explained that the first election was for x, and this election was for y, and these were different because of z. I didn’t understand his explanation at all. I abstained from voting again. The next year was covid, there were online polling booths but I didn’t vote. The year after that was also covid, but we came back right as there was another election. I read the pamphlet of both of the major parties and realized they both had similar policies and campaign promises. All of the campaign promises were either something that: No student body government could attain (because it was in the dean’s hands and also prohibitively expensive); Was impractical, used too many buzzwords, and just generally not something I would want, or; Both. I wanted to just ignore the polling booth in the lobby of my school building but I was cornered, trapped, by another spokesperson. I lied and said I had already voted. I don’t think they believed me. I don’t understand why every student was expected to vote. It wasn’t a real election. Student government held no power. It was just a fun title. These people were taking it way too seriously.
School Breakfast: The last thing I never did in university was have cafeteria breakfast, because it was served at six in the morning and I never got there early enough to go.

Besides class, I can say that I did really participate in a lot of student life if we’re discounting everything I just said that I have never done. Here’s what I did do:

Ate cafeteria lunch and dinner
Rode the campus bus
Admired the campus flora and fauna
Did a paid internship
Did an unpaid internship
Cycled
Attended a symphony concert
Frequented the study lounge, library, and computer lab.
Went to an online college party on habbo during the pandemic
Went to an academic congress
Went to a book fair
Napped in suspicious places
Befriended a foreign exchange student

I guess I can say that I did some cool things while in college.

The Secular Case For Modesty

I’ll start by saying that I grew up protestant but that I currently identify as agnostic. That’s the framework I’m coming at this from, a completely secular one. I think the contemporary christian concept of modest dress makes no sense. I think covering skin has nothing to do with one’s virtue and I think how that concept gets applied to women is hypocritical and sexist. Women get blamed for sexual assault against them for what they were wearing, and I find that appalling. Men are responsible for what they do, and women are not at fault for supposedly enticing men to commit violence against them.

That being said, I dress modestly most of the time. I like to cover my thighs and my midriff. I have very little breast to cover, although I do prefer necklines to not go much below the collarbone. My shorts and skirts go to the knee or longer. I don’t own a two-piece swimsuit. I own exactly one crop top and I wear it with high waisted pants so I never show my belly button. It isn’t insecurity with my body. I think my body looks fine. I see some women scared to wear certain items of clothing because they think it makes them look ugly or they think they have to be thinner to wear them. I don’t subscribe to that. I think people should be able to wear what they want and not worry that it doesn’t flatter their body type. I may like my body, but I don’t want everybody else to like my body. I don’t want strangers to be looking at it. There are certain parts of my body that I consider intimate and that I only show in vulnerable positions to loved ones. I would consider it a violation of my trust for a stranger to be privy to them. No, I don’t believe women are “asking for it” when they wear revealing clothing, but I do want to personally minimize the chance of ever being ogled in public.

I used to be naive, I used to think that men were civilized creatures who followed social etiquette and didn’t stare. Then I started going braless some days because my underwire bras were too uncomfortable and I had sensory issues with them. I thought people wouldn’t notice. Literal teenage boys on the bus started pointing and laughing to their friends. I don’t want to know what they were saying to each other. The vast majority of men are upstanding citizens, but creeps are out there, and they take advantage of young women like us who see the best in people. So yes, I dress modestly so as not to be ogled. Nowadays I got past the sensory issues by not owning underwire bras and only wearing sports bras and bralettes.

I do think there is some unearned paranoia around this issue. You listen to one true crime podcast and suddenly you’re convinced every man is out to rape and murder you and the only thing you can do to avoid a psycho’s attention in the first place is to wear a burka. Don’t be naive, but don’t be paranoid either.

Also, this is going to sound dumb, but I think modest dress is a bit subversive, especially where I live. I know this sounds like when people say that some socially accepted and normalized thing is actually totally punk and not normal at all, but I really do think this. This is different in societies like, say, Japan, where the norm is conservative clothing in neutral colors, but I live in Brazil. I get stares for wearing a one-piece swimsuit to the beach instead of a bikini. I sometimes think about gyaru fashion, how it’s subversive for showing skin and having statement patterns like leopard print and using heavy makeup when the norm in japan is natural-looking makeup. Alot of normal women in Brazil are accidental gyarus because the mainstream fashion here is crop-tops with short shorts, long hair and heavy eyelashes. Therefore, the weirdest fashion choice here is to cover up.

There is a large movement of neo pentecostal evangelism in Brazil, and the women who subscribe to these particular sects have their own uniform. Long denim skirts and button-up blouses, very very long hair to the butt, left loose or tied up. Some more fashionable women might even wear – *gasp* – floral print. They’re “in the world but not of the world” by rejecting mainstream fashion. They believe the accidental-gyaru fashions I mentioned earlier are demonic. Again, I’m coming at this from a secular perspective. I don’t believe what they believe, and I would hate to be associated with them. I have, on occasion, given the impression that I was evangelical, and people would either treat me well or poorly depending on if they were evangelical too or not. I try to avoid this by wearing weird combinations that out me as a fashionista and not a religious person. I wear funky prints like paisley and check. I wear multiple clashing florals at the same time. I wear handmade quirky crochet accessories that are bespoke to me. I wear diy and vintage clothes that are clearly badly handsewn or old and faded.

You see, part of religious modesty is not just covering skin, that’s only part of it, the most important part of religious modesty is to dress humble, not ostentatious. That’s what the word modest means, it means simple and humble. I don’t wear expensive clothing, so I do somewhat fit into that, but my clothes are attention-drawing and sometimes flashy, so in a different sense I don’t fit in. I would in fact be reprimanded at an evangelical church should I wear one of my fun outfits for wearing too much cheap jewelry.

So, those are the reasons I dress modestly, and the reasons why actually I don’t dress modestly at all, I just wear longer skirts, but people see that as modesty, when actually I’m being quite vain. And this is why I think other secular women should consider covering up as well. Everybody has different boundaries on who should be able to see what parts of their body. I just hope people enforce those boundaries instead of capitulating to the latest fashions when they’re a little more revealing than their personal level of comfort. Dress how you want, but actually dress how you want and not whatever your society deems normal.

What Even Is Library Science?

I hate when people ask me what I’m studying in school and I tell them that I’m getting a bachelor’s in Library Science. It sometimes prompts the question: “So you like reading, then?” Yes, I happen to like reading on occasion, but library science has nothing to do with the books themselves or reading itself. If you do love books and reading, consider getting a degree in literature in whatever language you prefer. Library science is for people who love to categorize and taxonomize things, not people who love reading. Library science is all about the organization of information and NOT the format in which that information is conveyed.

Actually, I’m lying. When I tell people that I study library science, they usually don’t tell me that I must love reading, if they do they’re already a step above the rest. The usual response is “What is that?” What do you mean, what is that? It has the word library in the term. It’s the study of libraries and how to run them.

Then comes the question, regardless of whether they asked if I liked reading or if they asked what my degree even is: “You need a degree for that?” Occasionally, they’ll assume you did need a degree to run a library, but that it was a different degree, either literature like I mentioned earlier, or teaching. More often, they think anybody can work in a library. No, it’s a regulated profession that requires a higher education degree and membership in the regulatory body just like doctors and lawyers do. The fact that people assume it requires no education just shows how little they think of libraries. And to think it’s related to pedagogy just likens libraries to teaching, and to children, and libraries are much more than that. To think it’s related to literature is to reduce all library collections to fiction and poetry.

So what is library science, anyway? It’s the study of cataloging, indexing, etc. It’s about the organization of human knowledge. It’s about the human and administrative elements of running a library. It’s not about the books themselves. Nowadays, it’s closer to information technology and data science and computer-y things much more than it is about the actual physical space of a library. I’m not too fond of this fact, seeing as I’m pretty old-fashioned and like analog things, but it’s the reality of the state of the art of the profession. Next time somebody asks me what I’m studying, I might lie and say Portuguese Literature, because it invites less stupid questions. Actually, I’m not sure, they might ask me if I intend to teach high school.

My Failed History of Musicianship

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer. I had a good memory for memorizing lyrics as a child. I of course had all the nursery rhymes memorized, but I also memorized some of the songs on the radio. Because of my talent of just absorbing all the lyrics on first listen, I was convinced that that would be enough to be a good singer. I would put on “shows” for my parents singing all the songs I liked. I have memories of this from when I was about six, but there are pictures of me playing with a toy microphone from when I was three, so this must’ve been a mainstay for my childhood play.

When I was eight or nine, I was obsessed with the disney channel sitcom Hannah Montana. For those unaware, Hannah Montana was a show about a teenage girl who was secretly a popstar while also going to normal high school. It was very aspirational for me. I wanted to be a popstar just like Miley. I was a kid just like she was a teen, so that made me believe being a child star was within reach.

I was very dedicated to this fantasy of me as a popstar. I had a Hannah Montana branded notebook where I would write “lyrics” (just little poems) that I would sing. I asked Santa for a guitar on Christmas of 2009. Miley always wrote her songs on an acoustic guitar, so I wanted to write songs with a guitar, too. Santa gracefully gifted me with a child-sized nylon-stringed acoustic. It was a real guitar, not a toy one, it was just smaller for child hands and had less frets. I knew nothing about guitars. In the tv shows and the movies whenever somebody would pick up a guitar they would just strum and beautiful music would come out. I didn’t think I had to learn anything to play. I have a vivid memory of picking the new guitar up, tuning each string with a digital tuner my parents had also bought me, and then putting all the fingers on my left hand over a fret, and strumming once, producing an awful dissonant strangled sound. I didn’t realize I had to actually learn chords, I thought guitar was just an inherent skill that some people were born with.

My parents wanted me to take lessons, but for some reason I was convinced I could teach myself with internet tutorials. They had me go to exactly one lesson with the pastor and worship leader at our church, and he taught me three chords and a couple of finger exercises, which I proceeded to immediately forget. I was frustrated that he had taught me C, D, and G because I wanted to go in alphabetical order. I tried to learn A on my own but all of those chords hurt my left hand immensely. I could never get my fingers calloused enough to play comfortably. It was a child-sized guitar but my finger still couldn’t reach the top string.

So, I gave up on playing guitar, and mostly gave up on the dream of being a singer. It was pretty unrealistic in the first place. Only years later when I was about fourteen was my interest in music reignited. I had never really sat down and actually listened to a lot of music before my mid-teens. I was hooked on music again, and for some reason I got into 1950s doo wop music, which was how I learned that a lot of pop music uses the same four chords, and I thought to myself, “hey, I can do that!”

Despite already having disappointed my parents with guitar, I begged them to get me a keyboard and let me learn how to play piano. They bought me a casio and I had lessons with an old lady from church. This time I was very dedicated to the craft. I wrote quite a lot of pop songs down in musescore. They were all lost when my pc crashed and I hadn’t made a backup. That was part of why I gave up on music for the second time.

The more important upset that led me to give up is a longer story. I got into classical music when I was learning piano. I wasn’t good enough to play any classical pieces but I really enjoyed listening to them. For some reason that escapes me now, I was convinced I could make it as a classical composer. First, I looked into getting into a conservatory, and they would probably take me even with my mediocre skills, but they were too expensive. Then, I found out that a public university had a bachelor program in music, and that all I had to do was get in through a written general test and a written test on music theory.

I thought this was a piece of cake. I did well on the general test, I’ve always tested well. Then, came the music theory test. I knew I was absolutely fucked by the speech the man gave at the front of the classroom where we were being tested.

“I’m going to press play on a simple tune on this boombox, I will do this twice. Question two is for you to transpose this melody in the answer sheet. Ready? Three, two, one…”

And then the melody was played. I didn’t have pitch perfect hearing, and I found this task impossible. I assumed the melody was in C and assumed the first note was C and then intuited the rest of the notes from there by their relative pitch to the first one. There was no reason to assume the first note was C, I was just guessing. I guessed for the whole test except for a few questions I knew the answer to. Then, the last question was an essay and not multiple choice. What is the historical context for Bach’s Tocatta and Fugue in D minor?

Easy, I thought.

I wrote down something with the gist of,

The Catholic Counter-reformation was a religious movement within the catholic church that…

As soon as I got home, I looked up Bach’s religious affiliation and date of birth and death. Date of death: 1750, almost a hundred years after the counter-reformation. Religious affiliation: protestant, Lutheran. I had missed that question completely and given the exact opposite answer. I probably would’ve had the same marks if I said Tocatta and Fugue in D minor was written by Dracula to play in his castle.

I didn’t get in, and I realized again how unrealistic my dream was. I put away my keyboard in a corner that was hard to get to, and I mostly forgot about playing music. Now, I’m in the middle of becoming interested again in music, and my keyboard is in an accessible spot. I like to play piano, I like to write music, but I no longer have any pretentions. I’m not going to be a pop star, and I’m not going to be a classical composer, I’m just having fun.